A season of Pain and saddness

Posted by Dennis Ng , Tuesday, November 10, 2009 8:45 AM

I am feeling lonely and sad....

I've made my promise to 小花 and i started making peace with Yvette. Though it is very hurting... I wanted to be nice to Yvette for peace, I prayed for her on Friday night, we played mah jong and had fun on sat... When she was beginning to let loose being comfortable with me...

i was being suspect at... being told as having motives, making use of her to get a footing in church, trying to be nice for my own selfish reasons. She was really harsh on me, calling my friends to ask me to stop doing nonsense and stuff. She said she forgive me long time ago and peace is not to hurt her anymore.

I dont want to retaliate or point back at her faults and her being so immature and throwing accusations. The slanders, backstabbing and gossips... i dont want to mention...

I am reminded by 2 things, 1. Love is suffering 2. Dont take it personally; A wounded person simply hurt another person, its normal reaction. She has not truly forgiven me, forgiveness gives hopes and opportunities for relationships to regrow. But i have forgiven her, hence making peace.

Fact is i feel really sad by those words and perception she had on me. Deep in my heart i was crying and i wanted too. But realize i got no where to turn to.

Since the beginning i knew its going to be tough.. and i tried my best. That's why i release all tots of dating anyone at all. Just concentrating on this.

In the end of the day, she calm down, probably with help and advise from Kor Hon or a good friend. And start being more cool about it. Melvin probably thinks i dont know, but i know many things about what he talked to Yvette about. Nothing hides, the eye contacts, their footsteps and what they utter gives them away. So i warn him ytd, dont say things u dont need to say, control your lips. He say he wont do it again =_="... sucks.. wad a friend seriously...

I only wan peace... and inviting her to be a friend... thats all i am asking for... And God you know it damn well, i have no ill intentions.

I feel like saying sorry to 小花 ... somehow i believe that she is angry with me, but i dunno why so. I should have done something wrong and bad... Such ironic... as i am trying to fulfill my promise, i failed to maintain a friendship.... i wish to apologize to her for wadever that i may have done.

Knowing too much, foreseeing the future makes one very very lonely... Can who understand me? People are afraid of me, because i analyze, foresee, predict, they are afraid of my plans and things that i get chills of... maybe i shouldn't share my passions anymore. Seriously i never meant to hurt... before i realize or even do anything to them, i am often attack... is there a place where i can belong?